Author Archives: ncalberts2

Today I am I once was not Again I will not be And always I will be myself Until there is no me At first I was a shriveled thing A toothless, hairless head And so again will I appear When at last I go to bed To start I was an empty slate IContinue reading “Life”

I’ve decided that the only thing in life that really matters is getting ripped. Reading books and writing don’t matter at all. At least, not compared to getting ripped. That’s why, from now on, I’m putting all of my efforts into getting ripped. Here’s my new schedule: Wake up. Drink three protein shakes. Do 1000Continue reading “Getting ripped is the only thing that matters.”

Oh cruel fate That the devil should never come to offer me a deal. I would give anything to be a great blues guitarist or the Emperor of France.

It was the strangest thing. The other day I awoke to find I was a child again. I got on the bus and everyone else was a child too, the driver and the passengers. I looked at them with their sad, sunken faces and their baggy clothes. I worked through the day, and we allContinue reading “The strangest thing”

It must be great to be a grape. To travel everywhere in a bunch, with all your friends, and never be lonely.

Oh my arachnid brother, you are so small and yet you have so many legs. If a man had so many eyes and legs he would be a fearful sight. But on you my friend, they are quite alright.

Oh Banana Who I shall call the most curv-ed of fruits. Why must ye be so cruel to me. You doth sit upon my kitchen counter, green then yellow the brown as time ticketh by. Now you are green and so I wait to put you sliced upon a plate. If only I could catchContinue reading “Ode to the Banana”

Michael Jordan sucks at basketball. You heard me. Everybody always talks about how great Michael Jordan is at basketball, but I went back and watched all of his games and I think he sucks. I’m better at basketball than Michael Jordan. I can dunk from probably, you guessed it, one hundred yards. Probably more ifContinue reading “Michael Jordan Sucks At Basketball”

Money, you say? Yes, well we could all use more of it, couldn’t we? You want more you say? A raise? No, no. I don’t think so. It’s a horrible thing to speak of money. Horribly base. No, no. You are looking at this all wrong, my boy. It’s not money that you need. No.Continue reading “Money”

One day, I was driving home from work, and I came upon a turtle in the road. I carefully drove around the turtle and began to drive away. As I moved along, it occurred to me that I should stop and move the turtle to safety. Excuses flashed through my mind as to why IContinue reading “The Turtle”